So, yesterday afternoon, fresh from the joys of a passed driving test, me and my dad set off for Runcorn with myself behind the wheel. Destination: Runcorn Custody Unit.
It was probably the most miserable place I've ever been, a nice enough building surrounded by two huge 15 feet fences around the perimeter. We pulled up to two sets of huge electronic gates and had to be buzzed through each time, security was very tight. We got out of the car and had to walk down a narrow passageway between the two fences, just like at American prisons up to the main doors, where again we needed to be buzzed in. On the inside all the floors were tiled (presumably to make cleaning up vomit, blood or whatever substance much easier) and all the walls were a horrible beige, with no decorations.
At the reception, you had to talk to the policewoman through a pane of glass. She told us to wait and we did, then I was taken through a huge metal door by a young policeman. He closed that, and then we had to wait for it to lock, and a policeman on the other side to then buzz us through the next door in front of us (Exactly like the clubs in Kos) before i then got taken into a busy nucleus of the station. There was a large counter behind which there were several officers talking to various lowlife and their solicitors explaining the conditions of their bail or whatever else, exactly like in The Bill.
The guy took me in to a small room with a camera and sat me down. I was there for Viper. The guy sat me down, explained he didnt normally work at this particular unit. Unfortunately although you've been told the description the girl gave would be here for you to look at... it isn't. Apologies. Fucking hate the police!
He sat me down on a stool in front of a camera, and explained that as the suspect was wearing a black jumper at the time it would be wise for me to take my black jumper off. I did so and then the video started. In my white Tshirt i had to stare at the camera, hold up a sign with my name on and some numbers for processing, look left, right, then back at the camera, without moving anything apart from blinking. I watched it back, it looked ridiculous. We then had to go through the database and find other people who looked like me to appear on the viper DVD. At first we only had volunteers to choose from, there wasn't many, and even less looked like me. After the first few pages they were looking extremely dated, with 90s bowl haircuts and Man United jumpers with "Umbro" across the front.
So, then we added the people who had actually been arrested into the mix, and the screen was just filled with.. scrotes. They looked even less like me. Eventually after 40 minutes we managed to get 7 other people.. they looked nothing like me, and were all wearing black jumpers so i will stand out a mile in my white Tshirt. I signed some papers and then that was that. Viper control in Wakefield will make the DVD, I will get to see it, so will my solicitor, then it will be shown to the little girl. As i didn't do it, she in theory will not pick me out, and then I will be off the hook and this huge weight will be lifted off my shoulders.
In theory.